My Feelings

Its exactly 22.28 pm here in Paris.
I cant believe its been 2 days since i left home.
I'm so homesick at the moment. The thought of me being away from my family, friends and my boyfriend just makes me wanna cry.
I cant believe that i've actually left. Felt like yesterday i just arrived from malaysia to start a new life in indonesia.
Its only been 2 days and still i cant stop crying.
I miss everyone back home but most of all i miss my boyfriend.
As i left my house that day on the 15th of September, i took another last look at it and think to myself, "this is what i need to do, for me, for my life, my future". In my mind i know im doing something right. But, my heart kept telling me "no dont go, you know you wanna stay here,so stay"
As i arrived at the airport that day, i know i was crazy to leave. I wanted to run away and cry.

At the airport, i look at my mum, my little sister, my family, my boyfriend, i started to weep and i wanted to scream. As i gather my things, i then started to cry, in the arms of my boyfriend who held me close and tell me that everything will be alright. I didnt wanna let go, I just want to hold on to him for a little longer but i knew i had to go.
As I let go, i went to the gate, turned around for 1 last time to look at the people im leaving behind, and went and didn't look back.
On the plane, i started to cry some more, wishing i could jump off that plane and head home.
I couldn't focus during the long 13 hour flight, i couldn't eat, i hardly slept.
Then i arrived here in Paris, about to start my new life without him next to me. I dont know what i'll do without him.
So now im here, alone in my room, thinking what's going to happen tomorrow. Wishing, hoping, dreaming, and crying that tomorrow wont be as bad at the past 2 days. But i know, things will never be the same.

As i lay here alone in my bed, i realize, i have something that will always bring me closer to home. Before i left, my boyfriend gave me something special, something nobody has ever given me before. A book. Not just any book, a special book from a special person, with special meanings in them. A Bible. In it he wrote :



Just reading that, makes me weep and wishing he was here.
My feelings at the moment is totally mixed, a part of me is glad that im in paris but the other half is wishing i was back home where i belong.
But with so many tears i've shed, it wont really change a thing because im still here,
and with all the memories i've had, and the things with me here to keep me sane, i know that i'll be just fine, all i have to do is try and i know i'll be okay even if its going to take me forever to adjust. Still for now all i wanna do is CRY till i fall asleep wishing this is all just another bad dream.

my wierd encounter with a 3rd grader.

Ok so I guess I should just get to the point of this..I really dont know where to start but anyways..

It all started about ermm..well actually i forgot when but i remember it was not long ago, about 2 weeks ago, a little 3rd grader made me feel dumb for about an hour!
It was a fine fine day well not really, i didnt get enough sleep, woke up at 8am, sun was shining right into my eyes, lack of caffeine and so on. It was the day of my little sister's 'parent student conference thing' where kids show their parents what they have done over the past semester.
We left home at aout 9 because my little sister's thing starts at 10, so when we got there, we still had a few minutes till we can go in her classroom. Im not gonna go into details of what happend in the class room, but it was a show and tell thing so get the picture ok?
After the conference was over, we all stepped outside(naturally thats what you do after the end of class), i had a wierd encounter with one of my little sister's friend, forgot his name but he was in the same class, he was so adorable but a smart-ass!
He started asking me questions like "do u know how to spell?" Jesus Christ!! I was like "is he trying to be funny, cuz he sucks!"
So i ask him a question " hey kid, spell supercalidfragilisticexpialidocious" it took him ages and then he said "thats not a word u dummy" hah!! im being called a dummy by a little 3rd grader. very nice!
Finally when i tought he had enough, he asked me the most wierdest yet mind boggling question ever and trust me it made me feel dumber than iam! He asked "hey spell yourself." so thats what i did. I said "easy y-o-u-r-s-e-l-f." He said "noooo spell yourself" and then i tought "ohhhh myself, thats easy m-y-s-e-l-f." We kept arguing for ages and then i realised he actually asked me to spell MY NAME!!! arrgghhh!!! i should've known! What an idiot!

u think u know but u have no idea.

Dont you just hate it when people judge you after they take a look at you for about 2 seconds? They think they know who we really are just by looking at the way we dress, eat, talk, walk, behave and bla bla bla. Now if you are one those people, i suggest you bug off because what you're about to read will make you hate me (whoever you are).
I sadly have had terrible and some good history dealing with those kind of people. I'll just write the bad ones because its much more interesting to write.
Ever since i was little, i guess i kind of knew that i was somewhat different from the rest of my friends during my stay in Indonesia. I was lucky enough to be brought up in a family that gets to travel around ALOT! we sort of have this international background ( doesnt mean im half american-asian-african n european). I guess ever since then, my friends or should i say FAKE friends were jealous of me. I dont blame them, i'd be jealous of me too. Moving on...they hated me and i can feel it and its sad. The terrible part was, after knowing them for about an hour, they actually thought i was this messed up rich kid living in a big mansion and has 10 maids with a butler (kind of like the perfect version of 'the adams family'). Ever since then my FAKE friends tried everything to take advantage of me..starting with my wallet. I tried to tell them that im not who they think iam. They just wouldnt listen. Let me tell you, my family isnt all that rich, sure we have money, but we dont live in a mansion, we dont have our own jetplane and it took my parents many years to actually achieving a happy life. We're not poor but we're not rich either. Thankfully i never actually kept in touch with those FAKE friends of mine and i dont care at all bout them.
Another experience i had with those sort of people was and is actually whenever i go out to the mall. Malls are fun you know, you can go shopping, watch movie, play games, hang out and oh yes torture people by staring at them for atleast 10 minutes and then use your imagination by creating wierd images in your head bout that certain person you just looked at. Sounds like fun? nu uh..i dont think so. ?That has happened to me sadly..many times. I've had little teenage girls probably still going through their puberty, staring at me, giving me wierd looks as if i'am an alien from another planet. Those kinds of people are the ones that i really love to choke and send to hell. How can they judge me by what i was wearing and how i talked? Those people need to get a life because obviously they dont have one. During that day when i encountered with those barely-there-pubery-girls, i decided to come up to them seeing i was older, i was just being myself and i said "IF YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SAY, SAY IT TO MY FACE BITCH" yes i repeat i was being myself (i'm so mean). All they did was look at me for a few seconds and thought i was joking, well since i didnt want to start a fight, i walked away in peace and hoping they regret what they did ( stupid me i could've punch em in the nose).
Another experience i had was actually a few weeks ago and mind you i'm still pissed. It involves me, my wierd ex boyfriend and his wierd friends.
You know when you break up with someone, all you wanna do is move on and hoping you find a better love right? well thats what my ex boyfriend didnt do. For some reason i have a wierd feeling he hates me after what i did to him and i apologize now get over me you freak! Instead of moving on, he spreaded rumors about me to his wierd friends, and now his friends think im a cheap skank and wanting nothing but money. About a few days ago, one of his friends added me on his Yahoo! Messenger and started saying horrible things to me as if he knew me at all! It totally pissed me off!! I told him that he knew nothing about me and stop judging me as if we've met.
Now the question is, if you are one of those people who for a living has a habit of judging a person after staring at them for 10 seconds, what if you were judge too? wouldnt you feel horrible? now unless you get paid to do this, then go ahead do your thing, i'm not stoping you. BUt if you have been doing it for long and still dont get paid.. dont you think it's time to find another hobby?
So please people, stop torturing other peoples lives, they might just ruin yours.

My Valentine.

Today. actually it's valentines day. Most of you all know. Valentines is the time when you get to celebrate the day of love with that special someone or something. You can celebrate it with a friend, family, your bf/gf, or even your pet which i think would be horrible. But anyways i'm not going to go and on about valentine and it's history because it'll be too boring to read and you will all think "hmm what the bloody hell is she going on about?"
Now where was i..oh yes..my valentine. You could say it was the most special day and night of my life. Not because i saw fireworks with my name on it although i was hoping for that haha. Well technically it's my very first valentine with the man in my life. NOOO not my dad, im talking about the OTHER man in my life..my wonderful boyfriend ANDRE.
Anyways, my boyfriend came over at about 13.00pm to pick me up, the plan was to stay home for a while and watch tv. But because there was a bit of distraction around the house ( i wont even mention how horrible the distraction was), we decided its best to leave the house as quickly as we could. Inside his car, we actually took a while trying to figure out where we want to go (it took us ages).First we planned to go to PIM but neither of us feel like going there that day, then CITOS came to mind, still a no. Then we came with a winning decision to go to MKG instead, eventhough it was kind of far but i guess that didnt bother us one single bit...i think.
As soon as we got there, we were like 2 lost tourist basically we had no idea what we wanted to do. we ended up walking for hrs till we actually came to the point where we were hungry. We ate at this really gorgeous vietnamese restaurant, it was a really romantic experience until a little bundle of joy changed us. As we were eating, there was another couple sitting right next to us with their son. As we looked at the cute and not to mentioned a very funny child, we both were kind of looking at eachother thinking wouldnt it be great to have our own kids someday? (yess after 3 months of dating, we actually have talked about marriage and kids shocking!)
After dinner, we ended up looking around the mall, since it was valentines day, the mall was covered in shocking pink! Now i love pink, it's my favourite color, but yesterday i saw way too much of pink which made me sick! But above all that, the place looked great, it has that romantic vibe going on which made yesterday even more special.
We still had a while till we actually have to go home, we stopped for MY favourite coffee shop COFFEE BEAN. yuum :p.
After a few chit chat and looking around. He did what other guys should have done for the girls during valentine. NO he did not carry me all the way in the mall, he didnt propose DAMMIT, he got me a cute but FAKE rose (hey its the thought that counts.right honey?) it was sweet because again the romantic mood was there, what made it even more special..as i recall it was very windy and well cold,lucky for me, he gave me the tightest hug EVER! it was so cute!!
After that (gosh i feel like we did so many things that day), we thought it would be nice to take a valentine pic before we go, well that was the plan but it got ruined, sooooo many people wanted to take their photos that day, me being a nice girlfriend, looked at my tired boyfriend (little did he know i was even more tired than he was) i decided to cancel our photo thing and just head home.
As soon as we arrived at my house, i really didnt want to go, all i can do was look at him and think to myself "gosh how did i get sooo lucky?" we cuddled a little bit and told eachother how much we love eachother and how neither of us wants to let go it was a moment where my heart kept beating faster and faster. I kissed him goodnight and told him that i loved him.
That was the end of our date.
Haha for you readers out there, you've probably wasted your time reading it, because maybe you were expecting a different ending like maybe..he ended proposing in his car, or maybe he ended up kidnapping me and hold me for ransom. Hha, sorry to let you all down, you might have wasted your time reading this, but i surely had a blast writing it well probably because it all happened to ME!
It might be a date like any other date for some people, but for me, it was truly one of those moment where you know that you are going to be with this person for the rest of your lives. I really cant wait for that.
My first valentine meant alot for me, i spend it with the guy that i love the most.

I LOVE U HONEY! i hope i can spend every valentines day with YOU.

The Little Word.

The word..
I never knew that one simple word can change my entire life..for good.
One simple word can actually change the way i think..change my point of view.
I remember it like it was just yesterday when it happen.
Thinking of it is like waking up from a coma. It's like a bright light flashing right before your eyes.
I cant believe i made that stupid mistake.
Who knew one mistake can change me as a person.
I was a teenager. i knew nothing. all i wanted to do was to have fun.thats all. i didnt expect anything more from it but on the other hand i didnt expect anything less.
I wish i could turn back time or atleast pretend nothing has happend. but it did and i'm ashamed.
That one word..i kept thinking how stupid it is for me not to have think twice about it. its all been done and now i must let go because there's nothing i could've done to prevent it.
How could i have been so blind? I've made a fool of myself.
Oh if i could turn back time, i wish i could that way none of this would've happen.
That one simple word..one little word..one word that really could've changed my life..
I could've said "NO".

Fr. Frank Grappoli

Don't be fooled by the title to whoever is reading this. Just to let you know before i get started. Fr. Frank is not the guy who came up with words 'frank n beans', he did NOT create frankenstein n nooo he's not from frankfurt. Honestly i don't know where he's from but apperently he's Italian. Anyways.....
Fr. Frank is what everyone calls him, not that he's my dad or anything. Basically he's a priest. Why am i writing about a priest you ask? dont think i'm in love with him because i'm not. If you(whoever that is) is thinking dirty thoughts right now, i suggest you piss off.
Now where were we...oh yes...Fr.Frank, he has been a part of my life ever since i was born and since i was able to walk. This man means alot to me, he was the person that actually baptized me back in Rome,Italy. I guess ever since that day, he and my family started to become really good buddies. I dont really remember much about him when i was still in italy but he and my dad were close.
After a few years, it was time for the whole family to move back to Indonesia and start our new life. Fr.Frank usually come and visit us for the holidays and whenever he comes, he just makes the house look so welcoming and it was delightful to see that this old man can actually bring warmth into the house (believe me not alot of old men are able to do that).
Skipping a few years.....and years....and more years...
I was already in my teens, i think i was about 13 or 14 when my dad got a job in Germany and i decided to go with him and continue highschool there. I didnt expect alot of great things happening there. Basically my life wasnt all fun. But one day, a surprising visit really changed me on that one winter day, Fr.Frank heard we were all in Germany, so he decided to do us a little favour by coming to us. Isnt that nice? He stayed with us which made it enjoyable. He's always telling me stories about the days when i was a baby and i used to sit on his lap. I could tell he was surprised to see me all grown up and me telling him stories about my first kiss and my first boyfriend which i think shouldnt be told to any priest!
After that visit, for some reason, i lost contact with him which made me upset, because i miss all his story telling and the excitement on his face whenever he tells it. Trust me, i've known him forever, and i've never seen him get mad or get upset, he's always smiling.
Skipping more years..and another year.a few moreee...........
I ended up leaving Germany due to mental issues, went home to Indonesia for a few months, finished my senior year of highschool in New Zealand and ended up going to Limkokwing Uni in Malaysia.
Since i got back from Malaysia for my 3 months semester break, i kind of forgotten about Fr.Frank and decided maybe he's already forgotten about me and he was a part of my past and i cherished it.
But one hot sunny day in my dad's car, he was going and on about the days when i was little and ask me if i remember Fr.Frank, all of a sudden i get this flashback moment, naturally i said "yes i remember him". Then my dad said "well he asked for your email address and i gave it to him". I usually dont like it when my dad gives out my email to some random person who thinks they know me and all. But this time, i was actually happy and looking forward to reading one of his emails.
Days past by..i decided to check my mail and when i opened it, it was from Fr.Frank. The email was simple but it clearly shows me that he's still alive. It said...

"Dear Stefania,

I had a brief exchange with your Dad a few days ago and he gave me your e-mail address. Just let me know if you receive these lines and then we may communicate for real.
I send you my best.
Fr. Frank"

I was more than happy to write him back. I wrote him a very long email, telling him how happy i was to hear from him, telling him about my life on campus and what i've been up to, it was just one of those emails where you get really excited to write and you really can't stop writing.
I couldnt remember what i wrote but i remember was, i told him to write me back A.S.A.P.
After a few days, i got another email from him which said :

"Dear Stefania:

How do you describe yourself? ~BroWneYeDGIRL~ very good, Fania!
I was so pleased in hearing from you because I see that you have what it takes. Was it the Baptism I was privileged to administer to you in St. Peter's Basilica in Rome coupled with the royal treat the Indonesian Ambassador gave you immediately after it when he held you in his arms as he solemnly walked from the baptistry to the Chapel of Michelangelo's Pieta' and then on through the main isle to St. Peter's statue and to the front of the Papal Altar with Mom and Dad and all of us following in a lovely procession?
Well, that may all be true but never forget a moment that you cannot possibly recall ... when Mom and Dad arrived to Piazza Navona with a big basket and Stefania was peacefully reclining in it. We had our rendez-vous at the Piazza in that carnival atmosphere. It was abour noon time and they still had to eat so they asked me to hold the precious basket while they reached out to a stand for some food and drink. Wow, that was a memorable moment in the Eternal City!

Now you are in Jakarta with your family but in a short while you'll go back to Kuala Lumpur for your studies, right? Do you speak English or Malay there? Having been in Italy, in Russia and in Germany among other places you may have picked up a few languages in your moving around the world. I remember vividly also our days in Moscow and how Mom and Dad were so delightful in taking my to lovely places like the Bolshoy Theater and to the villa of Doctor Zhivago. Memories that will stay with me as long as I live ...

It was nice touching base with you again and I hope I'll get your news as you continue your journey. So, to use your expression, to the ~BroWneYeDGIRL~ all the best with blessings from heaven.

Fr. Frank"


Reading that just makes me weep. Not because it's sad. But because, after all these years, he still remembers all the things that we did and it was touching and heartfelt.
I wrote him back after that, but i still havent heard from him yet, but all i know is Fr.Frank has been living in America for quiet sometime now. He's still a priest, he's happy with it.

Thank you Fr.Frank for being such a wonderful part of my childhood.You have brought so much warmth into my family's life and shown me that you have not forgotten about me. If it werent for you, i wouldnt have anything to talk about or write about. My life wouldnt be as interesting. Now i can show off to my friends that i was baptized by an italian man. awesome hahaha!!

natasha vanessa tuhatu

well the titles says it all. err not really hha.
anyways i'll just get started ey?
my dear dear cousin natasha or 'kk panessa' is what i like to call her, is the only cousin i've had n known since i was a little girl.
she has been my best friend ever since eerrmm...high school.
let me go back..way back back when dinosaurs roam the earth and men discovered fire. okay maybe not that waaay back.

i first met my cousin back in the 90's you know when madonna was still hot, michael jackson shocked us by becoming a white dude and everybody wanted to be phil collins.
anyways....from her side of the story (not madonna's) 'kk panessa' had a surprised reaction when she first saw me at the airport after coming back from italy. Her immediate reaction probably was "gee why does my cousin look so chinese?" ever since that day in the airport, she and i became very close but not too close.

When we were kids, we used to hated eachother 24/7. We never really got along. We wanted to beat the crap out of eachother nonstop. Oh yeahh we were brutal.
I remember this 1 incident that i can never forget..EVER!
I was about 6 or 7 i forgot. me and my family and tasha were enjoying our vacation at this hotel which i forgot the name at Ancol. It was a nice sunny day and me as a little girl was just enjoying it all. We were all gathering at the kiddie pool. Btw back then..i couldnt swim. so this is where the interesting bit comes up.
As you know, kids what they love to do is jump in the water and play 'splashy' to everyone. yes everyone. i enjoyed it. So what happen was i was throwing water to everyone including tasha. I could tell she was annoyed because by the time i was bored with throwing water at her, she immediately came up to me and pushed my head underneath the water. YES..NEWS FLASH my cousin tried to kill me. dunno if she did it on purpose but she tried! Little did she know, unlike her who could swim, i couldnt.
I ended up drowning. I didnt die. I just sank.
Ever since that day, i hated her. I even swore to myself that i would never be friends with her EVER!

But as times changed, well people changed, and so did the both of us.
After 4 years of not keeping in touch with any members of my family due to my father's job. Once again i was reunited with them and yes TASHA. Surprisingly, when we first saw eachother, we just ran like in the baywatch movies excluding the red bathing suit, and hugged eachother. For the first time in my life it actually felt great to see her. Ever since that day, we just became really close.
We started hanging out abit more, have sleepovers, we even tried to dress alike which is wierd. Because she and i we are both 2 very different people. She is more girly and liked r&b music while i'm more on the tomboy side and likes rock music and worships marylin manson, she only has 2 piercings while i have 8, im more of a party person, while she enjoys staying at home and watch dvd's. SO i have no idea how we both became soo close while we have nothing in common but i guess thats what makes us bond.
We even did abit of travelling together ( singapore,bali, bandung, thailand, anyer), during those trips we learned alot from eachother, and i started to treat her more like my sister, since i never had an older sister, its comforting to find someone that i can always rely on.

As time goes, the both of us have grown into woman, we're on our early 20's, trying to find the meaning of life, she's in the middle of finishing her degree in communications, while im trying to get through my 2nd semester doing communications as well. We both have boyfriends now. While back then we sorta think of boys as disgusting little creatures. She's doing a wonderful job at my mum's company and one day i'll be working there aswell.

Im writing this entry not to mock her or make people have negative thoughts about my cousin,
but after all these years through my whining and complaning, My dear cousin Natasha Vanessa Tuhatu, will always be the cousin that i love the most, not because she's older than me, but because she is who she is, peopl love her because she is smart and funny at the same time.
She is my rolemodel, im so proud to have her as a family member, she has been there for me when i needed help, when i was drunk and when i was going through tough times with my family. I cant imagine not having her in my life. For that i'am greatfull.
What makes me proud of her, simple....after all this time, SHE STILL LOVES ME!
Thank you soo much. I have left my heart with my new big sister. xoxoxo.